Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Arcade) | 2017.10.13 (transcript)

Totally back. Y’all ready to do this?
All right. Let’s do this. It’s me.
Thank you, my fake audience and my real audience. It looks like I still have my two viewers down there. Maybe you guys are still there. If they’re not there now, maybe they’ll be back.
This is my second episode of the night. Those are always usually pretty bad, so I thought I would mix things up here and play a video game. I mean, I’m on Twitch, so I think that’s what people do on here.
The game I’m gonna play tonight is the 1989 arcade game Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Let me load up the magical MAME time machine here, and let’s play some freakin’ Ninja Turtles, y’all.
After the ROM check and the weird grid warning, this game is only for use in Oceania. Well.
This one takes a bunch of fake quarters here. Probably gonna need them. Get all those fake quarters in there.
Let’s see. Who am I gonna be? I’ll go with Michelangelo.
Whoa, dude. Fire.
There we go. Playing Ninja Turtles. I’m not sure if this is gonna be more interesting than me reading scholarly documents, but it’s something.
Beating up Foot Soldiers. Playing the video game. All right, let’s go.
I’m gonna transfer all my credits into lives. That way if I die, I won’t have to put in those fake quarters.
Beat up all these Foot Soldiers.
Everything’s on fire. Just standing in fire.
There we go. Shell shock.
All right, this is fun. I’m having fun.
Some soldiers, but all right.
Beating up this robot guy.
All right, let’s just save April.
I’m doing my best, April. What have they got?
I got this.
That is a rather dramatic entrance.
He’s got a gun. I’m invincible, dude. You’ve got a gun, but I’m a turtle. Now you’re just wasting bullets.
I got you, April.
You just let her jump out that window with her. You could have done something.
All right. I’m glad I’m playing video games now instead of trying to talk about nothing. At least there’s something for people to watch or whatever, even if it is me just playing an old video game.
I should fix kind of… my producer, turn that down, please.
My mouth wasn’t working there for a second. We definitely want people to be able to hear me, since I have such interesting commentary.
That Foot Soldier just jumped off the balcony there.
Hey, there’s some pizza.
Your buzz pizza.
Everything is moving so fast.
Girl on a skateboard.
I do feel like Mr. Boston’s Magical Elixir, or whatever my producer gave me, has inhibited my ability to effectively talk very, very well. Maybe in the future I’ll have to keep that in check.
I’m not having any problems beating these Foot Soldiers’ ass.
You having a good time, Seymour?
Yeah? Cool, dude.
All right. Playing the video game.
I still have a question. Maybe I could do the talk show sometimes and play video games sometimes.
He’s got a laser gun.
You watch your mouth.
But yeah, I don’t know. Playing the video games is a really easy way to make a show, and it fills in the blanks when I can’t figure out what to say, especially when there’s nobody else watching.
My producer is something else. I know that I’m a mystery, but my producer? They’re gonna be a mystery.
I’m playing the pronoun game. Snap. We don’t even know. Maybe my producer is not even human.
Seymour, are you the producer?
No, Seymour is not the producer. I mean, he produces things, but not internet TV shows or whatever.
I called it a TV show. It’s not a TV show. It’s a web show. I can’t foresee this ever being on anyone’s television unless they’re watching Twitch on their TV. I don’t think we have the professional capabilities to be an actual show. This is what it is.
Yeah, it’s pizza time. Give me that pizza. Go away.
Come on, stupid Mouser dudes.
Well, thank you. That compliment means a lot.
That’s why I had decided against doing games. It really is no effort, and I want this show to be effortful, or at least something like that. It just seems like playing video games is cheating.
But if I wasn’t playing this game right now and I was just trying to do the talking thing, it would just be bad like it usually is.
Baxter Stockman.
I’ve read the very first issue of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles comic. I would say years ago, but that would mean I read it when I was a baby. Let’s just say I found my neighbor’s copy and read it some time ago.
Yeah, it’s a lot different.
I’ve been able to experience Ninja Turtles in all of their incarnations through YouTube or something, and I don’t know. I have a special place in my heart for the 1987 cartoon version. I’ve seen the recent Michael Bay movies and stuff. They are what they are.
All right. Next level.
Damn. Hurry.
Yeah, he’s very menacing.
I love Ninja Turtles, but I feel so stupid because I know they’re Bebop and Rocksteady, but I always get their names mixed up, and I should not be doing that.
Which one is the rhino? I could create a mnemonic device. If Rocksteady is the rhino, then I can be like, “Rocksteady is the rhino,” because of the R. But if he’s not, then I’d have to do a reverse mnemonic device.
All these dudes have guns, and they’re just shooting me. They have to shoot me a billion times before I even die. This is totally unrealistic.
Cheers.
What are those guns shooting? They can’t even kill me. Plus, I’m immortal, so they don’t stand a chance. I guess if you had money in the ’80s, you could be super immortal.
There’s Bebop and Rocksteady.
I thought their depiction in the last Ninja Turtles movie was okay.
All right, I got April.
There’s the Turtle Van. You guys can help. Thanks.
Let’s go to the secret factory.
Some of the Foot Soldiers have guns, and then these guys have hammers and spears. Maybe if Shredder stopped building all of these disposable robots and just made one giant robot, it could just step on me or something.
Instead he builds all these pissant robots. He could just make one giant robot.
Sheesh.
Maybe he could use technology to make robots that don’t explode so easy on impact. Instead of building thousands of disposable-ass robots with weak-ass missiles, he could just make one big-ass missile and blow up the sewers or something.
But no. The Shredder is stupid.
Again, it is always pizza time on It’s Me I’m Alex.
Like, I can’t say I’m good at these beat ’em up games. You maybe saw I put a buttload of fake quarters into it, so it’s not that hard. I guess this was just the kind of game that if you had a bunch of quarters, or if you were at ShowBiz or Chuck E. Cheese or whatever, or the gas station, you could totally kick ass.
There’s no penalty for dying. You can just keep going as long as you’ve got the cash.
That’s gonna get me.
Quarter on a string. I think by the time this game came out, the old quarter-on-a-string trick was probably figured out. They probably figured out how to stop you from doing that.
See, he’s used to all these helicopters and guns and crap. At least he had the foresight to train his Foot Soldiers to ride skateboards so they can compete with Michelangelo and his rocket-powered skateboard.
King has power.
Just a turtle on his skateboard, dropkicking helicopters like it’s nothing.
Shoot me with your radioactive laser guns. I got this.
Donatello is supposed to be all good with machines, but Michelangelo is like, “Hell no. I got nunchucks. I’ll go into battle with some rhino with a machine gun. I’m not scared.”
Cowabunga, dude. Total fucking piece of dog shit.
Yeah, I love me some AVGN.
Let’s bust this joint.
Seymour has been known to bust a joint or two.
My mother? Well, no. No, she does not. I’m the perfect little angel to my mother.
My mother is a character that exists, but she hasn’t been introduced to this show yet. Maybe she will sometime. This show does need some more characters, I guess.
Seymour, do you like smoking big joints?
I think he’s being ambiguous about that, but he is green. Yep, yep.
Little sticks of dynamite. Those are the true missiles.
What do we got here? It’s a bunch of lasers shooting blue things.
This used to be a PG stream.
I decided to just speak naturally, and I think with that magical elixir that my producer gives me, it kind of makes it so that if I’m just speaking off the cuff, I’m having a hard time speaking right now. Plus I’m playing this video game, totally, so I guess it is hard to talk.
I don’t know how that corkscrew is ever… Oh, there’s Splinter and this dude with purple nipples.
What did he say? Did he say, “Purple nipple bastards”?
What’s up with his purple nipple? Why does he only have one?
He’s got a flamethrower. Dude with your one purple nipple.
It really does sound like he’s saying, “Fuck the Turtles.”
Those are some pretty sweet boots.
This dude is eating up a whole lot of fake quarters.
His melee attacks with his fire guy… I know.
Fuck you. It sounds like he’s saying, “Fuck the Turtles.” I don’t know what else he’s saying.
That’s a pretty dramatic explosion there.
Splinter, thank you. “Mike, total…” There is only one of me. The other three turtles are not here. Where the hell are Donatello and Leonardo and Raphael?
Why didn’t they program this game for Splinter to acknowledge that Michelangelo is doing all the work?
I’m just gonna have to use that in my headcanon of this video game: they’re watching from the sidelines. Maybe they’re beating up those soldiers that I can’t see.
Splinter is supposed to be this Karate Kid who taught me everything, and yet they just tied him up with a rope.
Good thing Shredder put these frizzy things in the Technodrome.
I wonder if Shredder ever forgot to turn off the automatic frizzy things and he goes walking through the Technodrome at night to go piss or something, and he’s like, “Aw crap, I forgot to turn off the frizzy things.”
Krang goes to take a leak and gets hit by the automatic ball-rolling mechanism.
It’s pretty cool that they have pizza lying on the ground. Why doesn’t he just poison the pizza?
Oh yeah.
Foxy Turtles.
Fuck you, other dude who has green nipples.
It’s like I swap this dude, and then they just put another dude in here. You hear that, right?
Yep. I think I filled like eighty-eight quarters in here, and I’m down to forty-two fake quarters. Let me see if I can do the math.
That’s true. The turtles sit and eat all the pizza. So I put what, seventy or eighty quarters in? I’m missing thirty quarters so far, so I’ve already spent like seven fake dollars on this game.
This dude says “Fuck the Turtles” a whole lot more.
I’m not gonna do that.
Suck them all.
Beat this turtle. I mean, they could be saying that. All right, what’s going on?
Oh snap, it’s Krang.
That’s my best Krang.
Every time I try to do voices, it’s awful.
I wish Krang would talk more. He was a funny character in the old show.
Come on. Hang out.
I mean, it’s cool that it’s Krang and all, but it’s very anticlimactic. He just kicks and shoots lasers. What is that? Does he have a gun?
He shoots his fist at me. I’m trying to introduce logic into this, and that’s just not good.
He has a Pinocchio in his coat. Is that a euphemism, or…
It’s turning all yellow. I think he is almost done, and then I get to fight the Shredder.
Very spelling third-quarter speed train.
But I get to fight the brain now. Wait, what is that? Long-nose monsters on his belt?
All right, so now I get to fight multiple Shredders.
What is this all about?
I guess I killed every single one of his Foot Soldiers, because they’re not here helping him. Or helping me, I was gonna say.
What is this crap with the multiple Shredders? So he clones himself?
No, I’ve never played RuneScape.
There’s a lot of games I haven’t played. I’m pretty what the kids call casual. I mostly like old games like this, but there’s a lot of old PC games that I haven’t played.
I’ve got this huge collection of DOS games. I was thinking about playing DOS games on the show and just going through them, but I’m still torn about playing video games on the show.
I don’t know. It’s at least more interesting than me sitting here talking about nothing. Maybe I’ll alternate. Maybe I’ll get Worms and play that on here sometime.
Oh yeah. I think I beat the game.
Crap. Check the drums. Blow it up.
Epilogue.
“Freaked the Foot, mangled the Mousers, and totaled the Technodrome. That’s Turtle Power! But what about the Shredder and Krang? Burned to toast? Vaporized to milkshake? Or escaped to Dimension X? Until we know, none of us can sleep safely in our beds or shells.”
I think the turtles have beds. I’ve seen the turtle bed. I mean, do they sleep in their shells?
Well, thank you. I appreciate that compliment.
Yeah, they have little turtle cots. Well, they’re not specifically cots made for turtles, but they’re damp cots.
I guess this game couldn’t go without mentioning their shells. The show is obsessed with making it known that these were turtles with shells. They were shell-shocked and all that crap.
Maybe they do have pillows in their shells.
If you watch the old movies from the ’80s and early ’90s, their shells are very soft and malleable.
All right, I got first place. I’ll put my initials in here.
Where? Hey, I’ve seen that picture. “AL.” That’s me. It’s me.
All right, well, that’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Arcade Game. I guess that’s it for the night. I played the game, and I probably should end the episode shortly thereafter.
Thank you for hanging out with me tonight. We had a good time. I guess it’s time to go.
Time to go. Time to go.
Hello? There we go.
All right, that’s it for tonight. Thanks for watching. I might do some shows during the week, but I’ll definitely be here Fridays at 9:00. So don’t forget.
Goodbye.